What is it like dating as a sex therapist?
Heeyyy babes,
So I’ve been thinking about dating a lot. Not only because I get to hear your harrowing tales, but also because I’ve joined the wilds of dating in the last year. Things look a little different in the dating world as a sex and relationship therapist than they did as a straight up social worker. While there may be some difference between non-sex and relationship therapists and myself, what I know to be true, is ultimately we are humans trying to connect in the myriad of ways we create meaning around connection. I *may* have more relational or sexual self awareness because I’ve basically trained for this, but I also have blind spots and struggle in my own interpersonal relationships. Just like you.
I often wonder when is the right time to bring up my work as a sex and relationship therapist. Once I do, I hold my breath and wait for the reaction. Will a barrage of assumptions be made? Will the dater look at their shoes and avoid eye contact? Will they start talking about their hang ups with sex? Will they reply politely, ask a question you may ask anyone about their work, and move on to other subjects?! We don’t know! The reality is, if a potential dater is uncomfortable or struggles to manage themselves upon learning I am a sex therapist, they’ve got some time to wrap their head around this information. If it continues to be difficult, it won’t bode well for our future. I want to establish a culture of openness and positivity around communicating about all things, especially about sex and realtionships. I want to date someone who is insightful, mature, and sophisticated about the dating/relational world or someone who is interested in increasing their own relational self awareness.
A benefit to dating a sex and relationship therapist (or at least this one), is there will be no coyness about my interest, enjoyment, and prioritization of a robust sexual relationship. That being said, it is NOT an invitation to sext right off the bat, assume I am into or want to do all of the kinky things, or am down to be sexual right away. No, I don’t want to sit in your hot tub prior to meeting in a public place for coffee. How would I know I want to sit in your hot tub if I haven’t met you IRL? The basic rules of safety and engagement still apply!
Shall we take a tiny detour to discuss rules of engagement, A.K.A basic safety tips of dating?
Meet in a public place for your first meeting
Tell a friend where you’ll be and the name of the person you are meeting
Have your own transportation so you can get the hell out of there if needed
Stay sober
Don’t leave your drink or food unattended
Don’t give out any personal information
Some folx think a quick google of your date is also in order to see if anything comes up. While I appreciate this and think it makes great sense from a safety standpoint, I can also appreciate why you may not before meeting. I like to save this one for the 2nd date (if there is one). There’s something about meeting someone for the first time just as they show up and how they choose to present themselves that’s exciting.
Ok, so now that we’ve got that covered, one last bit. Anyone who pushes against these very basic boundaries and safety rules of online dating before meeting is giving you really good information! Listen as they tell you they’ll likely push boundaries in the future and take that into consideration when you decide if you’d like to meet them at all, or again.
Another difference/benefit of dating a sex and relationship therapist is they’ll likely initiate a conversation about sexual health convos or discussions about what you are into. I mean, I get the awkwardness and I can feel it too, but practice makes it easier. Promise. . I practice this several times a week if not every day with my clients, it’s not that difficult for me and I will initiate this conversation, but I’d sure love to have a partner who can also hold or initiate this conversation. So my suggestion to you is to try harder. Look in the mirror when you’re brushing your teeth and SAY THE WORDS that will give you the answers you are dying to know.
Here’s a few suggestions on how to get the conversation started:
Prior to mashing genitals or putting mouths on genitals (maybe even before taking your clothes off?), announce to your prospective sexual partner you’d like to have a sexual health conversation. Ask about the last time they were tested, their results, their safer sex practices, how they want to keep their body safe, what the plan is for preventing a pregnancy, and what makes their body feel good. Is there anything off the table you should know about? And while you are talking about what makes their body feel good, ask about what they are into to make sure you are compatible in your sexual interests and behaviors.
“I don’t know, whatever you’re into” is not the response I’m looking for in a romantic or sexual partner, and it shouldn’t be ok with you either. Try harder, babes. Try a bit harder to connect with other humans who have some sense of what they are into and feel entitled to ask for what they are or aren’t into. Work on building trust right away, so you can be sure their yes is really a yes, and they are saying no when they need to.
Lastly, you are correct in assuming that because I am a therapist, I do not want to be your therapist. Just like you don’t want to fix my computer or drywall my bathroom. While I am naturally curious and have all kinds of questions that could take ages to answer, I don’t always want to be in the driver’s seat of asking questions, emphatically responding, validating, suggesting, normalizing. . . I have trained long and hard to keep myself buttoned up and need a partner who is capable of drawing me out. While I appreciate the work of revealing myself is my own, it is a delight (and not too much to ask for/expect) for my partner to be curious about me.
I’ll leave you with a stack of questions my friends use for their tindering to get the convos started:
What’s your last meal request?
If you could be an Olympic level athlete, in which sport would you want to train.compete and why?
What’s your walk-up song?
The following are either/or questions. You have to choose one without further information or questions:
Would you rather . . .
Live in the US, but never be able to leave the US, or be able to live anywhere in the world but never be allowed back into the US?
Give up entirely for the rest of your life, or give up alcohol entirely for the rest of your life?
Be an Olympic gold medalist or a Nobel prize winner?
