New Year Resolutions
Happy New Year, Babes!
I hope you’ve found some rest and joy amongst the myriad of other experiences you may have had in the last month. Speaking only for myself, there have been brief moments of rest, with lots of magic making, a terrible cold, excitement, cookie baking, stress, aggressive DOING, tea party hosting, loneliness sprinkled in not having a moment to myself for 3 weeks, and joy in many delights. My time off from being a therapist allowed time for other bits that are important to me, and I’m feeling ready to jump back in with all of you.
Before we scooch on, take a moment to reflect on what this season looked like for you. . .
I for one am grateful the holiday season is behind me, and I am looking forward to the year ahead for my own personal work and growth, and for yours.
With this new year often comes conversations about resolutions. I am not one for resolutions. I personally don’t believe in them, but I do believe I can offer another way of thinking of the fresh start the new year brings.
I have never kept a resolution I made at the beginning of a new year. I never told anyone what my resolution was, and honestly that could’ve been where I went wrong. I never told anyone because I wasn’t quite sure if I could keep it, and it seemed best to sit with my own disappointment or sense of failure for not doing something better, rather than face the disappointment of someone else.
Another story I tell myself as to why I don’t believe in resolutions is because I manage to keep myself so busy, I don’t often give myself the time to think about how I would actually execute resolutions, or to reflect on how it’s even going. I am sure this is another fatal flaw to my ability to keep, much less name a resolution.
As I write this to you, I notice some discomfort welling up in my chest. I wish I could do this part of life better. I think I’ve wished that for many years and feel disappointed or even like I’m a hack that I can’t manage to do this for myself. I mean, I am in the business of helping people improve their personal business, and can I even do this for myself?!
In allowing myself to sit in this discomfort, first, I remind myself I don’t have to do this alone (because my therapist helps me!!) and second, I notice there is another part of this story. . .
When I take a few steps back, I can see that I have been making small incremental steps toward giving myself more time and space to reflect, plan, dream, strategize, plot, and evaluate how it’s going, and how I am doing. I haven’t mastered this, but I am working on it all the time. I don’t always like what is happening in my life, but I have gotten so much better at how I talk to myself about the things I do not like. The reality of being a single mama to two teenagers, a therapist & business owner, a homeowner, a dog mom, a friend, daughter, sister, lover, volunteer . . is that I hold so much for myself and for who and what is important to me every day, as I imagine you do too.
So while I never make a resolution to make any of the ways I function in any of those roles “better”, nor do I write anything down, or set calendar reminders to reflect on my progress, I do hold all the things I am and who I want to be, and get a little closer to being that each year while also holding the unexpected twists and turns of life.
Kristin Neff, PhD, author of “Fierce Self Compassion” wrote a bit about becoming a “compassionate mess” as a resolution we could actually keep, and that was something I am here for. She writes about trying to keep our heart’s open while trying to make improvements in our lives, which means being “compassionate to ourselves in the midst of our failures and disappointments.” Can we meet ourselves with “warmth, understanding, support, and kindness.” If we can meet ourselves, then we have succeeded! It’s all about how we relate to each moment rather than how we relate to what is actually happening. YES YES YES! She has more tips on how to work on resolving to be a “compassionate mess” at her website, selfcompassion.org
So, my darling, compassionate messes, let’s talk about how we can spread some of this to our relationships. Remember, we are relating to ourselves in the moments rather than how we relate to what is happening in our relationship. How are you relating to yourself when evaluating interactions with your beloved?
We may have goals we want to hit in our relationships. insider.com published an article for 10 relationship goals to strive for (Ashely Laderer): calmly communicating, to fight the problem and not each other, open and honesty, repairing after a fight, to actively participate and enjoy your own lives without jealousy, to work on your sex life, to make time for fun, to grow and build together, to feel valued & respected and to make sure your partner feels the same, to regularly take time to invest in your relationship.
So if we are working to resolve to be compassionate messes in our life and in our relationships this year, how would you deconstruct each of these goals and apply it to yourself? Also consider setting the intention to work toward these goals, while holding compassion for yourself when it doesn’t go as well as you hoped. Taking it a step further, acknowledge to your beloved when you don’t quite get it right. That brings the intention into your relationship and allows you to make explicit what you are working toward in your relationship.
xo
