How To Achieve Pleasure In The Wake Of Sexual Trauma
If you have experienced nonconsensual sex, sexual assault, sex abuse, or rape, you may have complicated feelings regarding your sexuality and how you engage with other people sexually. That makes sense, and I am so sorry you have experienced a violation of this sort. It is possible to reclaim your sense of power, to regain your right to safe, pleasure filled, and positive sexual experiences.
April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, and while I wish we didn’t have to be aware of it, because in my dream world, it never fucking happens, I want to focus on how to achieve pleasure in the wake of sexual trauma. Before getting into the pleasure part, it’s important to normalize and validate some of the harder aspects of sexual trauma many survivors experience.
It’s quite normal to struggle with body image and have negative feelings toward your body, have hatred toward your body or feel disconnected or numb.
You may also experience hyperarousal, often a result of PTSD. Your body and nervous system may feel extra sensitive to touch, smells, sounds, and may be in a state of activation when you are otherwise safe. When your body believes it must be ready to mount a stress reaction to keep you safe (think: fight, flight, freeze), it is difficult to get into a relaxed state where you may find pleasure.
Dissociation can occur at anytime, but especially in sexual contexts. Dissociation is your brain’s way of protecting you from danger, where you disconnect from what is happening, even when in a safe relationship or context.
Flashbacks and body memories of the trauma can be terrifying, unexpected, and make it feel as though you are reliving or re-experiencing traumatic events and again are often triggered by certain touch, smells, or sounds or sights..
Working with a therapist can be helpful in working through some of the distressing results of trauma and assault. It’s crucial to learn how to get your nervous system to a more regulated state, and to help recognize when it is not so you can access skills and tools to get back to calm.
So how do survivors regain pleasure, safety, and power when recovering from sexual trauma?
First, educate yourself about sexual trauma and sex. Arm yourself with information to meet yourself with compassion when you aren’t feeling all the pleasure you would like. Educating yourself about sex and consent will help you develop a language to advocate for yourself in sexual contexts. With information, you will be better prepared to validate yourself. You will desensitize sex by interacting with, thinking about, and talking about sexual content.
Second, take all this new information and keep talking about what you have learned. One of my favorite heroes of my career, Sallie Foley, said “talking about sex changes the world,” and it’s true! When you build comfort talking about sex, you are building pathways to start talking about what feels good to you to move toward wholehearted consent and pleasure.
You and your partner may try a giver and receiver exercise where you as the receiver dictate exactly how you want to be touched to your partner. You may start with nonsexual or sexual touch to build confidence guiding your partner toward pleasure and comfort. Do this for 10 minutes, and then switch! Stimulation to arousal or orgasam is not the goal of this exercise. Its purpose is to build comfort by saying the words that will help you feel you are in control of what is happening to your body, to practice communicating what feels good and what may not, and to practice feeling entitled to all the pleasure you can experience, and to practicing believing your partner wants to help you get it!
Here are a few rules to follow:
Giver:
Say “NO” if you need to say no. If you want to say no because you are uncomfortable, check in with yourself. If you are in pain or noticing a trauma response, take care of yourself and say no!
Be generous. Try to give your partner the most perfect touch. Only do what your partner asks you to do. If they say nothing, do nothing. Help them regain their sense of control by being still and patient.
Receiver:
access desire to be touched somewhere and communicate to your partner exactly where and how you want to be touched. Don’t be shy! Some examples may be, “give me a massage on my scalp with the pads of your finger tips. Increase pressure 25%. Slowly move down to the nape of my neck and hold your hands right there. Just like that! That feels so good.”
Don’t take care of your partner or censor yourself. Allow your partner to take care of themselves!
Work on grounding and relaxing. If you get distracted, take a deep breath, tune in to the pressure of your partner’s touch, the temperature of their hand, and the textures they are touching.
This is one of many exercises a sex therapist may prescribe to help you gain the tools you need to feel in control, safe, and heading toward pleasure.
Third, make sure you are heading into sexual contexts feeling calm and relaxed. If you are already activated or feeling fearful, it’s not the time to push yourself. Honor your boundaries. Be generous in communicating boundaries and trigger points. If you know certain sexual behaviors, touches, smells, sounds, or even songs send you into a flashback, make sure you communicate with your partner. “What should I know about you when it comes to sexual contexts” is a great question to ask your partner to open to the door to talking about what you should know about each other before heading into a sexual space.
Lastly, remember when sex is really good, it is often because people felt connected, some sort of pleasure, and affection. Taking a step toward regaining your sexuality is an act of courage. It may not look how it used to, and there is lots of room for it to look even better! Be gentle with yourself, honor your limits, and take it slow. An orgasm may not be part of the encounter. You are working toward building positive, pleasure filled experiences, and if you’ve managed to experience some of that, you are well on your way.
If your partner has survived sexual trauma and is ready to reclaim their sexual selves, you have a support role! One of the first steps is to educate yourself on some of the common issues survivors face when recovering from sexual violence. Allow your partner to lead the way in how and when they’d like to talk to you about their experiences. Practice and model clear, direct communication that articulates boundaries you may have and ask about theirs. Offer a willingness to be patient and an ally.
While it is your partners work to do the heavy lifting of healing, if you are expeirencing anything other than what feels like a “fuck, yes!”, it’s a “fuck, no.” Advocate for yourself and do not proceed with being sexual if there is a sense your parter is activated, disocciated, experiencing flashbacks, or reexperiencing. Those experiences are normal and common following a sexual assault, and you can help normalize and validate your partners experiences. Remember, it has nothing to do with you. Stay close, accessible, and available to provide support if your partner desires your support. This could look like many things, including being quiet, cuddling, or asking your partner to ground with you. This may look like tuning into textures, pressure of touch, the warmth of each other's bodies. This could also look like eye contact, and deep breathing. Ask your partner what is helpful for them to get back into a grounded place and honor their experience.
Regaining a positive, healthy, safe, pleasure filled sexual relationship with yourself and partner is possible. Take your time, honor your limits, and be compassionate. It’s unlikely your healing and recovery will be linear, but it is possible to heal and find a way to access pleasure.
