Differentiation
Heyyy Babes!
I’ve been thinking a lot about the cis-het men in my practice (and in my life) the last wee. . . well forever, actually. Every week I hear stories of men who are wondering how to communicate their desires to their partners (often cis-het women), to improve their sex life, and to really cash in on the saying, “I’ve got one life, and one wife! I wanna make it good.” And I hear them. Deeply. I do. I rarely hear them speaking of effective strategies to “make it good.”
What I do hear is how years of “failed” attempts at starting a sexual encounter has slowly resulted in withdrawl, missed connection, irritability, and loneliness. I often think of the lines in Paul Simon’s, Graceland,
“She comes back to tell me
she’s gone
As if I didn’t know that
As if I didn’t know my own bed
As if I’d never noticed
The way she brushed her hair from her forehead”
Ugghh! It kills me every time. These lines convey such a deep knowing, and a deep sense of loneliness. I think of all things left unsaid, when after years these men are sure their partner knows exactly how they feel. I wonder how much damage and disconnect builds before couples come to a point where they realize their relationship is in deep trouble, or even unsalvageable.
I imagine the bum shots as they turn over at night to their sides of the bed, a defensive, protective move, being careful not to touch or convey any sign they are interested in closeness, connection or affection. I imagine all the things they are saying in their heads that they wish they could articulate to their partners, but don’t, believing it will result in either nothing, or some variation of being accused of “only wanting sex,” made to feel they are unreasonable in their desire for their partner, and will hear of their partners feeling of pressure.
I know this is a sad, sad story, and one you may have heard or even played a character in. Many couples come for help to address this problem. After men speak of their understanding and what they think is going on with their partners, I ask them to consider the part they are playing in continuing this dynamic.
Are they playing their side of the court? Are they guessing what their partner is thinking, feeling, and making decisions on their behalf? Do they believe that what they want is ok? Are they taking responsibility for their own pleasure? Do they trust when their partners are saying “yes” or “no”? Are they willing to reveal themselves to their partner? Are they saying what is on their mind?
The reality is when sex becomes a hot button issue for couples, the answers to the above questions is usually a resounding, “NO.” And I get that, I really do. It feels demoralizing to keep putting yourself out there and feeling as though your partner doesn’t care or isn't interested in moving through their own discomfort or anxiety to make a change. But moving away from the above will result in a stalemate.
I ask the men in these couples to start asking for what they want in everyday encounters to practice what this could feel like in a sexual encounter, sort of like building up muscle memory. When we really say what we want and take responsibility for ourselves, all the information is on the table to sift through and that creates the place to start co-creating experiences much like you’ll co-create what you want your sexual and romantic relationship to look like. Answer the question of what you want for dinner! Tell your partner exactly what you want the weekend to look like! Ask your partner to turn off the TV and join you in bed for a beddate, not for the sole purposes of sex, but for time to connect and unwind.
If you are noticing your partner is slamming dishes or is sighing loudly, ask them, “what is going on for you right now?” Ask them to tell you what they are thinking and feeling, and don’t change your behavior in response to what you are “reading” in the room.
If you want a certain sexual behavior that is missing from your repertoire, and your partner is on board, are you asking for that behavior when the desire for it hits? Or are you waiting for them to offer? Do you believe this sexual beahavior is ok or are you colluding with shame or sex negativity? Similarly, if you have something you need to talk about that may create tension or anxiety between the two of you, are you waiting for your partner to come back to it, or are you making it clear it is still important to you and you still want to have the conversation?
This is what I like to refer to as “the magic.” We are waiting for the magic of our long term relationship and what my partner “should” know about me at this stage in our relationship to present itself, magically. If you’ve stopped asking for it, how will your partner know it is still true for you? If you partner doesn’t pick up either this sexual beahvior or some other aspect of your romantic life that is important (i.e date night), they won’t know it still matters to you? Reveal yourself to your beloved. Allow them to see you. Not doing so creates a bag of resentment YOU get to carry around, all in the vain of avoiding conflict and tension in your relationship. Instead of the relationship holding this tension and working through it together, you are now holding on your own.
When we allow ourselves to be seen over and over again in our relationship, our partners will have to confront themselves and their role in your disconnect at some point. You may feel you are getting nowhere, but I encourage you to locate your core sense of self and what is important to you, and to stand in yourself, over and over again. This, my darlings, is differentiation.
