Are you having sex worth missing?
Authors Peggy Kleinplatz, PhD and A. Dana Ménard, PhD in their hot of the press book, Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers suggest a radical conceptualization for those with low desire aka low libido aka “If I never had sex again, I’d be fine.”
“Low desire may be evidence of good judgement. We would not expect “normal” people to have strong desires for low quality sex.”
I read this, and my mind was BLOWN!
For all the people who have felt so frustrated, at a loss, guilt, shame, avoidant, sad, shy, and hopeless wondering why they would rather curl up in bed with a book than wrap their bodies around their partner, here is a completely different way to look at those feelings.
The idea that “low desire my be evidence of good judgement” gives me great hope the “problem” of low desire will be transformed from a “it’s-all-my-fault” to a “what-are-we-going-to-do-to-have-sex-worth-wanting” conversation.
So, I must ask, are you having sex worth missing? If you aren’t, can you put your finger on why?
Let’s see if we can get to the bottom of this.
Many people come into my office wondering what is wrong with them that they don’t desire sex with their partner. Some remember a time when it was better, and some never quite figured out how to have good sex. They’ve resigned to the current state of their sexual affairs after their initial efforts to make sex more satisfying were ignored, or perhaps they never figured out how to communicate their sexual preferences. Or the sex they engaged in at the beginning of the relationship was performative and created a habit to be spectators in their own sexual encounters!
Partners feel rejected, frustrated, and wonder what new toy, position, date night, or chore could be the key to unlocking their partners sexual interest.
Sex therapists ask about intentional couple time not to be confused with date night, but rather what time do you carve out, with intention, to be with your beloved? What are your rituals around connecting? Is it coffee in the morning before the house wakes up? Is it a weekly walk? Do you plan to go to bed at the same time? Is it a state-of-the-union weekly/monthly/quarterly meeting?
How does magnificent sex even happen? While the above ideas can be great places to start and will likely add to your relationship in all sorts of ways, there is more to consider.
What Kleinplatz and Ménard have done to get answer the questions is ask who they call the “extraordinary lovers” to “describe the elements that comprise optimal sexual experience” or what I like to call, the ingredients that make sex so good. They also ask the lovers how extraordinary sex happens and the events leading up to the magnificent sex.
Through their research, Kleinplatz and Ménard have discovered 8 components to magnificent sex.
The first component identified by study participants was the idea of being completely engrossed, present in the moment and “embodied, focused, absorbed” with what is happening in your body while in the company of another body.
The second component is “connected, alignment, being in synch, merger” with the person you are being sexual with, the feeling of not knowing where you end and your partner begins.
The third is deep sexual and erotic intimacy characterized by “deep feelings and mutual trust” that also included “caring, liking, and valuing their partners”, and interestingly enough did not mention love,
The fourth component of magnificent sex is “extraordinary communication and deep empathy”. Not surprisingly, communication was identified throughout most participants as what helps create extraordinary sex, both before, during, and after. Communication is what I often see as one of the biggest struggles in a persons sexual relationship.
The fifth is being “genuine, authentic, transparent” and what one participant called “feeling completely uninhibited.” Tell me, when was the last time you felt uninhibited during sex, and what helped you get there?
The sixth is vulnerability and surrender. Kleinplatz and Ménard write, “It is one thing to be genuine and authentic alone; it is hard enough to look oneself in the mirror honestly when there are no witnesses. However, this next component involves a step beyond that: It entails choosing to be emotionally naked while in full view of another.” I mean, can you EVEN?!
The seventh is exploration, interpersonal risk taking, and fun because of course it is! My dear friend @howdidyoupayforthat once told me, “do something that scares you everyday.” I have taken his advice over and over again and I am glad I did. The authors (and myself) want to be clear we are not talking about risks that put your health, safety, and pregnancy status at risk. We are speaking of the “play, push, or [expansion] of their own personal boundaries.”
Last but not least is the eighth component: “transcendence and transformation.” Study participants went on to list the many words that reflect the feeling of magnificent sex including blissful, peaceful, estate, and other-worldly. leading to heighten states across all their senses.
What I notice reading this list, and what the authors clearly point out, the above components are quite different than what we may see in the newest issue of your favorite magazine. No one here is talking about positions, lotions, potions, or the latest toy. You are being asked to look within to see what you can conjure to create magnificent sex. Go on and give it a try.
